Reasons to Quit Your New Job

*names have been changed to protect my innocence…

It started so well. The promise that irradiated from the opportunity at NEW JOB was beautiful, welcome and greatly anticipated. I thought I had been lucky enough to find: The Perfect Job.

I shared a name with my boss; an instant bonding experience that put a positive slant on my tenure with the company. A certain member of my very inner circle warned me that, working as an artist for artists may present a challenge. I decided that was actually the recipe for PERFECT success.

What a joke.

On the outside looking in this small company seemed to have their collective shit together. They all seemed happy, seemed to enjoy what they were doing and all seemed equally passionate about the mission statement to, DO AWESOME CREATIVE*. (In hindsight, it must have been a day when there was a positive social media influx. See No. 5 below.)

I wanted in. I wanted to be a part of this. I wanted to taste what it was like to inspire others and DO AWESOME CREATIVE* at the helm of a shiny new Mac as captain of the writing…stuff. I believed in it. Felt the way about NEW JOB’s philosophies and ideals in ways devout Christians feel about Jesus…and it felt awesome.

Then, trouble started…

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In changing from The Impassioned Employee to The Cautious Observer I noticed red flags beginning to pop up everywhere. My rose-colored excitement-goggles had been removed and I was starting to see things for what they truly were.

1) Part time position with the promise of full time + benefits based on performance review.

Seems logical. But it was a trophy paraded on high in front of all. “You’re sure to get full time if the boss likes you!” [Insert valley girl chortling here.] I hate myself for trying. NEXT.

2) The company makes 0 profits and has no plan in place to make any money.

I am not a savvy businessperson. I’m just another pixel pusher who gets her honkies from making pretty things, but I know that 1.5 y/o companies that make no money and have no plans TO make money are…cancelled.

3) Absurdly high turnover rate.

During my 5 week tenure there were numerous upsets within the company. Three people were sacked; I was fired, and then rehired in the same meeting, taking the toll to 4. 5 people started, which I can only assume meant that more people had been sacked before I’d started. How many new employes does NEW JOB have?

4) Gossipy cliques.

In a company with 7, (4 women, 3 men), employees you would think it impossible to have gossipy cliques. On my 3rd day I was invited to spend my lunch break with the other female employees. THE WHOLE TIME Miss Boss, who should know better, blabbered and slobbered on and on and on and ooonnnnn aaannnnndddd oooonnnnnn about one of the male employees, for almost an hour and a half. 

5) Unprofessional Methods

Hey, I could be wrong, but commenting as make-believe people on your own posts to ‘boost traffic’ seems a little like the kind of ‘self-love’ that the Bible warns about. “Thou shalt not spill thine seed upon the ground…” sort of thing. You know..masturbation. There. I said it. :sobs:

6) Everyone is everything
Go read no. 3 again and excuse me while I go crap some glitter…

During my…experience of getting fired/rehired I somehow lost my job title along the way, getting lumped into the quagmire of NEW…ER JOB. It went something like this…

“What are my new responsibilities? What’s my new job title? I’d like to continue to build resume and my career.”
“You’re everything! Pick whatever you want! It’s FUN! Yay!”

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I’ve always wanted to be a unicorn. So now, I am employed (not anymore) as a fucking unicorn.

Please send all emails, questions, comments or concerns to,

Ella Fetch
(gofetchella@gmail.com)
Unicorn, at LIFE.

Love ya’ll.

E.Fetch.

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